I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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