I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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