the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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