She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
