last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
