I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
