I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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