So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
he fucked my hip out of place.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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