He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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