Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
