dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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