She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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