you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
