Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
