I'm so fucking centered right now
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
