Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
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I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
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You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
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