im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
