I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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