So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
