Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
