so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
