I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
