please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
