I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
