I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
