you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
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She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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