I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
