its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
