he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize