she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
