That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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