imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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