Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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