just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
