if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
