I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
