Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
