im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
