Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
