Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
me + whiskey = a bad person
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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