The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
