Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker