So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
