i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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