rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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