I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Randomize
