I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
