it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
