I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
