I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The beer is more important than you right now.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
