my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
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You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
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My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
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