I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
