ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
